Anti UNIX/MS-Windows jokes

Anti UNIX jokes:

• If Unix is the answer, then it must have been a stupid question.
• Unix is the only virus with a command-interface.
• How can an operating system from 1970 (UNIX) be more modern than an operating system from 1978 (VMS)?
• Unix - the first computer virus.
• NFS = Nightmare File System.
• Berkeley is famous for LSD and BSD UNIX. I don't think that is a coincidence.
• Sure, the Unix file system corrupts your files, but look how fast it is!
• Friends don't let friends use Unix.
• Unix - the ideal operating system for CPU's that are never powered up.
• Nothing wrong with Unix that a total redesign and rewrite can not fix.
• UNIX will be preempted by NT. UNIX doesn't know it yet - it won't notice until it's too late, because UNIX is the Yugoslavia of software, at war with itself -- but it's all over.
• The users of Unix systems said speed wasn't an issue when the Alpha chip was released. The same people tell their wives and girlfriends that size doesn't matter.
• If Unix were a beer, then it would be shipped in open casks so that anybody could piss in it before delivery.
• UNIX is user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are.
• UNIX is akin to a religion to some. If things aren't done like they are in UNIX, then they must be bad. Sorry, I don't believe in this religion.
• UNIX is a four-letter word!
• VI = Virtually Incomprehensible.
• Unix is about as user friendly as a blow in the back from an ice-pick, only not quite as productive.
• What has happend, when a system-manager gets gray-haired in one day ? One day with a UNIX system !
• How do you pronounce UNIX ? You Nix !
• The sad thing about UNIX is that no matter how many times you hit yourself over the head with it, you never quite manage to completely lose conciousness.
• Cretin and UNIX both start with C.
• The scariest thing about Jurassic Park was that the control systems were Unix.
• I used to do VMS, now I do Unix - it's a living.
• Why is using a UNIX system like being an Enuch? Everytime you go to do something important, you realize something critical is missing.
• Why aren't there many female unix users? They don't think about to ask a man for help!
• UNIX programmers are like witch doctors. They think they have to be covered with scars to show how powerfull they are.
• UNIX on Alpha ? Why run a 2-bit operating system on 64-bit hardware ?
• UNIX and NT were talking about security and reliability. After some time they concluded, that they would like to be like VMS, when they grow up.
• NFS = Not Fully Servicable.
• NFS = No File Security.

Anti MS-Windows jokes:

• MicroSoft is not the answer, MicroSoft is the question, the answer is no.
• Why does the DOS version of a program always run faster on a 2 MB 16 MHz 386SX than the Windows version on a 8 MB 66 MHz 486DX2?
• Is MicroSoft a new toilet paper or what?
• The PC has created anarchy. Hardware and software have been thrown together in random configurations at the whim of any employee with access to an expense voucher and a computer catalogue. The result has been a financial and adminstrative nightmare for corporations.
• 640K ought to be enough for anybody said Bill Gates in 1981.
• I wonder how much the harddisk and RAM producers pay the Windows developers to write such ressource-demanding programs.
• Question: How many Microsoft engineers do you need to replace a broken light-bulb?
  Answer: None, Microsoft will standardize the darkness in such cases!
• Windows-95 makes Unix look like an operating system !
• Competition of writing books about elephants:
  IBM: Big blue elephant.
  Novell: Linking elephants.
  Microsoft: Why you must buy Windows 95.
• PnP = Plug Not Play
• PnP = Plug aNd Phone
• PnP = Plus aNd Pray<(LI>
• 1995: DOS is dead. Bill.
  1998: Bill is dead. DOS.
• 1995: DOS is dead. Bill.
  1998: C:\>copy con prn
  Bill is dead.
  ^Z
• Question:What is the difference between Windows and an apple ?
  Answer:Apples only fall down once a year.
• NT = Not Today
• If MicroSoft would sell cars:
  • the model of a given year would be available one year later
  • you have to buy a new car, if any traffic signs change
  • your car would stop sometimes and for some reason you think this is normal
  • you can only drive in your car alone except if you have a Car95 or a CarNT
  • there would be no controls for oil, gas or breaks - only a "unknown error" ligth
  • people would be fascinated by all theese new features in car95 like doors and gearboxes
  • they will have to use MicroSoft gas
• Windows = cheap Mac clone
• An Intel PC has four protections modes: Abort, Retry, Fail and Reboot
• Windows 95: 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
• NT is not enterprise ready until MS is willing to support it.
• Bill Gates: If GM (General Motors) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty five dollar cars that got 1000 miles/gallon.
  General Motors: Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?
• error #123: This system has been running Windows for more than 6 hours without an error. Something must be wrong! Please reboot!
• MS Windows - the 3270 of the 21st century.
• In a world without walls and fences - who needs windows and gates ?
• "The obvious mathematical breakthrough would be development of an easy way to factor large prime numbers" [Bill Gates, The Road Ahead, p.265]
• GM vs MS

  At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

  "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

  In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

  "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
  4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
  6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
  7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
  8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
  10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
  11. GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
  12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
• NT = New Teflon (Wall Stret alone are reported to have thrown over 100 million dollars down the drain on failed NT projects, but nothing sticks ...)
• Question: Who said the name Microsoft and when ? Answer: Bill Gates wife at their wedding nigth !

• So Bill Gates dies and meets St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter says "Bill! We've been waiting for you a long, long time, and we've got just the job for you! We want you to run Heaven's IT department."

  Now Gates figures "Whew! Even after all that dubious s**t I pulled with Microsoft, they're going to cut me a break! All right!"

  St. Peter continues, "But Bill, there's one thing you should know: Here in Heaven, we use Macs exclusively."

• So Bill Gates dies and meets St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter says "Bill! We've been waiting for you a long, long time, and we've got just the job for you! We want you to run Heaven's IT department."

  Now Gates figures "Whew! Even after all that dubious s**t I pulled with Microsoft, they're going to cut me a break! All right!"

  St. Peter continues, "But Bill, there's one thing you should know: Here in Heaven, we use Windows and there's a bit of a system maintenance backlog for you to catch up on..."

• So Bill Gates dies and meets St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter says "Bill, you know, that was some dubious s**t you did down there on Earth with Microsoft, but it's just about counter-balanced by the good works that the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation did, plus your old man, liberal that he is, put in a good word for you. So you could go either way, and we're going to let it be your call. You can go to either Heaven or Hell."

  So Gates so, "Okay, but I can I see them both before I decide?"

  "Sure!" says St. Peter. "But once you decide, it's for keeps. Let's start with Heaven".

  So they go inside and Gates sees a bunch of folks lounging around, not doing much. You know, playing the occasional harp, snoozing on a cloud, reading books, that sort of thing.

  Bill decides that's not his scene, so he asks to see Hell.

  He knocks on the Gates of Hell and Lucifer immediately shows him in. Hell is a *MUCH* more swinging place than Heaven. Lots of video games, 72 virgins, champagne flowing freely, and not a Mac or a Linux box to be seen.

  Gates is sold and goes back to tell St. Peter the bad news. *POOF*! He's back at the Gates of Hell and no sooner can he look up but seven demons grab him, drag him inside, and throw him head first into a pit of burning, stinking brimstone.

  Scrambling back out, Gates demands to see Lucifer. "But, but, but," he coughs and stammers, this is *NOTHING* like what you showed me earlier!"

  Lucifer replies "Oh, that. That was our demo."

Note: not original, taken from various posts to mail-lists/news-groups and public documents on the net (some of them are also sligthly modified to fit better).

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